Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Israel is a country

October 12, 2010
Israel is a country
surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the people’s headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.
Israel is one of the few places in the world where the sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea.
That truly likes and admires the United States.
Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local market.
Whose soldiers eat three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather than something one tosses into a martini.
Where one is unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts.
Where the leading writers in the country take buses.

Where the graffiti is in Hebrew.

That has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.

Where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need it.

With bus drivers and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Where no one cares what rules say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.

Where reservists are bossed around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own children.

Where “small talk” consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.

Where the ultra-Orthodox Jews beat up the police and not the other way around.

Where inviting someone “out for a drink” means drinking cola, coffee or tea.

Where bank robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.

That introduces applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in banks that print out your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and decades ahead of Europe.

Where everyone on a flight gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.

Where no one has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign accent.

Where people cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.
Where patients visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.
Where everyone strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.
Where people call an attaché case a “James Bond” and the “@” sign is called a “strudel”.
Where there is the most mysterious and mystical calm ambiance in the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.
Wwhere people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.

Helen and Barak (humour)

July 7, 2010

Pregnant Jewish Girl

May 12, 2010

A 25 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them,

“Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is
born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

All ferklemt at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

“So, you’ll try again.”

Only In Israel

May 8, 2010

By Efraim Kishon

Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the
people’s headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.

Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you
the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you
look like you need it.

Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi
drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one cares what
rules say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.”(Which is
why their accomplishments are the greatest in the world)”

Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed
around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own
children..

Israel is the only country in the world where “small talk” consists
of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.

Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already
so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local market.

Israel is one of the few places in the world where the sun sets into
the Mediterranean Sea.

Israel is the only country in the world whose soldiers eat three
sets of salads a day, none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really
a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in a meal,
rather than something one tosses into a martini.

Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to dig
a cellar without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts.

Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in
the country take buses.

Israel is the only country in the world where the graffiti is in
Hebrew.

Israel is the only country in the world where the “black folks”
walking around all wear yarmulkes.

Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book
Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.

Israel is the only country in the world where the ultra-Orthodox
Jews beat up the police and not the other way around.

Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone “out
for a drink” means drinking cola, coffee or tea.

Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the
mezuzah as they leave with their loot.

Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and
admires the United States.

Israel is the only country in the world that introduces applications
of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in banks that print out
your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and decades ahead
of Europe.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight
gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also
get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign
accent because everyone has a foreign accent.

Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using
dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.

Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting
physicians end up giving the doctor advice.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone strikes up
conversations while waiting in lines.

Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attaché
case a “James Bond” and the “@” sign is called a “strudel.”

Israel is the only country in the world where there is the most
mysterious and mystical calm ambiance in the streets on Yom Kippur, which
cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.

Sunsets in Jerusalem are gorgeous every evening.

Israel is the only country in the world where people read English,
write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.

Jewish wisdom

April 4, 2010

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”

The wise old Rabbi answers: “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one”.

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”

Jewish Marriage advice “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?”

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”

“No Morris, a man should not profit from another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi.

“Are you sure Rabbi?”

“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive” exclaimed the Rabbi.

” Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”

The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”

The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

Get away to Israel!

March 8, 2010

Sign up for a FREE trip to Israel at http://www.birthrightIsrael… An unexpected applicant shows up at the Taglit-Birthright Israel office. Cartoon by http://JewishRobot.com

A short history lesson…

March 5, 2010

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel “pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land”.

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care
Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck…